A Fire Emblem Crack Story with No Second Thoughts
by Connie Connike
Summary: -FE7 and 9, crackfic- What will happen when the three lords, the army, and the tactician run into an old man?


_Yay, my first fan fiction on here. WOO._

_So, none of these characters except Alihi belong to me._

_Yeah…_

_They belong to Nintendo._

_Except the old man. He belongs to whoever._

_GET READY FOR CRACKISH WRITING._

------

One day, Alihi and her lovely army were going to beat Nergal's ass, since that's the point of Fire Emblem, when suddenly yet another distraction came along. An old man appeared right infront of their eyes.

"YOU MUSTN'T SLAY THE DRAGON!" The old man sang.

"BUT WE HAVE TO SAVE THE WORLD!" Eliwood, Lyn, and Hector protested.

"I would actually have to agree with the old man…" Heath hugged his wyvern and kissed it, making a certain ex-Black Fang very jealous.

"HEATH. WHAT THE FUCK DOES YOUR WYVERN HAVE TO DO WITH THE LEGENDARY DRAGONS?" Alihi screamed.

"… IT DOESN'T." Heath yelled back.

"I WANNA BE A DRAGON." Legault sobbed. "AND STEAL HEATH'S VIRGINITY."

"WELL, I MAY BE ABLE TO HELP YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU." The old man sang.

"R-really?"

"NO."

Legault proceeded to go to the emo tree with his knives.

Heath, being totally attracted to the thief, followed him to the emo tree, where they had sexy sex.

"MY VIRGIN EYEEEEEEEEES."

Serra ran away, crying.

"BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD."

Karel then proceeded to rape Guy while Guy was having sex with Matthew.

Priscilla had already killed herself. (Serves her right.)

Alihi proceeded to record Karel, Guy, and Matthew.

"WHY IS GUY SO… … uh…"

"POTATO?" Nino appeared out of nowhere, clutching at least 20 packets of pixie sticks. (Why are pixie sticks so great? The world may never know…)

"I think the word is more along the lines of 'rape-able'."

"NO, IT'S POTATO."

Jaffar pranced in a field of daisies. In slow-motion. Dramatically. With a kitten.

"Lord Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaymond!"

"Lucius. My name does not have that many A's."

"IT DOES NOW."

Lucius the pure monk advanced to complete slaughter the enemy with his kickass Lightning tome, turning as red with blood as Eliwood when he's discovered having sex with Hector. (Because everyone knows they're gay for each other. What? Roy and Lilina? … LIES.)

Karel then stopped the Guy-raping and went on to the Lucius-raping, since Raven started his moping. (BLAH BLAH BLAH I HATE OSTIA BLAH BLAH BLAH.) Raven would go to the emo tree, but went to the emo bush instead. (Because the bushes are EVERYWHERE.)

The old man started singing "Over the Rainbow". It sounded like a dying cat.

"SOMEWHERE-"

Alihi gracefully slit the old man's throat.

"THAT'S FOR SINGING OFF KEY, YOU OLD COOT."

Everyone paused.

"OMGGGGGGGG. WHAT JUST HAPPENED THERE?"

"I slit his throat."

"But tacticians are supposed to be weak and-"

Marcus turned into a bloody fountain.

"ALIHI! YOU KILLED MARCUS IN THE FIELD WITH THE IRON KNIFE!"

Alihi pointed at Eliwood. "So? No one cares about Marcus."

"I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." Merlinus cried.

"Who are you?"

Merlinus drove his cart off a conviently placed cliff.

"Great job. Our merchant just committed suicide."

"I wanted to kill him…" Hector pouted.

Alihi started to ninja away, but was stopped by Florina.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!!11111111/1!?/!"

The remaining people in the army gasped as Alihi ripped off her clothes to reveal…

"LEILA?!"

Leila smiled.

"NO."

Leila ripped her clothes off to reveal…

"FATHER!!!!!!!!!" Eliwood ran slow motion dramatically towards his father.

"NO."

Eliwood sobbed as his father ripped off his clothes to reveal…

"NERGAL?!?!"

"YES. I MEAN- NO."

Nergal ripped off his clothes to reveal…

"CANAS?" Canas pointed at Canas.

"NO."

Canas ripped off his clothes to reveal…

"Who?"

Ike stood there, surprised.

"I'm Ike!"

"NO."

Ike ripped off his clothes, to reveal…

"ALIHI?!"

"NO!"

The tactician ripped off her clothes, to reveal…

Nothing.

"Ow…"

With dramatic turns and stuff, Alihi died.

"HOLY SHIT, WE LOST OUR TACTICIAN!!!!!!!!!" Lyn cried.

"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!" Eliwood paniced.

"I know!"

All eyes turned to Wil.

"WE EAT PIE."

"No, we should find a new tactician." Nino inquired.

The army was dumbfounded by Nino's calmness.

Jaffar skipped over. "… But who?"

"Well, OBVIOUSLY the tactician has to have brown hair and wear green."

All the tacticians who did not fit that description glared and left.

All eyes fell on Sain.

"But who fits that description?!"

"YOU DO, SAIN."

"I do?"

A big sweatdrop for the whole army fell from the sky and crushed Raven.

"LORD RAYMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOND."

With a bunch of dramatic and unnecessary dialogue, Lucius stabbed himself.

"… Sain, you are the new tactician. Rather you like it or not."

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Sain jumped in the air, and the world froze, like those images of people walk away that looks like it's drawn with color pencils.

Kent made a congratulatory cake out of himself for Sain.

"Mmmmm, this is the best cake ever, my boon companion!"

The rest of the army proceeded to have sex, and nine months later the army had a bazillion babies. And when they reached Nergal and the dragon, the army killed them with the babies, which they had a never-ending supply of.

The dragon roared.

"DAMN REPRODUCINGGGGGGGGGGGG." Nergal cried.

The dragon and Nergal collapsed, along with the many burnt babies.

"Heh heh. Dead babies."

Then, they drowned in a sea of babies, all thanks to Karel, Matthew, and Guy.

"YOU CAN'T BLAME US. GUY'S SO POTATO."

**-The End-**

**---**

_So... yeah._

_HAVE FUN WITH YOUR LIVES._


End file.
